Where to begin…
My last writing was 9 months ago. I don’t have any regrets about it. After all, we can’t change the past. Right? I’m here now, and that’s all that matters to me, in this moment.
Today marks my Great Grandmother’s birthday. Were she still here, she would be 109 years old… I lived in the same home with her for a few of my formative years. I have fond memories of her. Seeing her smile. Sitting at her feet, shelling peas. Collecting and emptying her “spit cup”. Watching her observe us, to make sure we were following directions for a task we had been given. Being overjoyed when I completed my task, and was rewarded with a half stick of Juicy Fruit. My fondest memory is of her rubbing my chest with a well-known cough suppressant rub, (no, not that one..) during the colder months. If just one of us little ones began to cough, she would have us all line up, and she would intentionally apply this ointment to our tiny welcoming chests. She even gave us a small portion on a spoon, which I gobbled up without hesitation. I remember as a child, wondering if we were supposed to be eating it. But, somehow being instinctively grateful just the same. I miss her. I would love to sit at her feet and soak up her wisdom like a sponge.
It would be many years later, before I realized the woman I called Grammaw, was actually my Great Grandmother. Titles didn’t matter back then. Respect did.
I have been thinking of her a lot lately. How blessed I was to have not only met her, but to have had an opportunity to share a living space with her… I don’t know that we value familial dynamics much, if at all, these days.
She lived to be 85. I wonder what treasures of wisdom those years held. I wonder what words of advice she would give me today.
Today… I chose today, to make some changes in my life. Changes I’ve needed to make for quite some time. Changes I’ve been afraid to make. Changes I’ve been running from, for far too long. I chose today, to honor my Great Grandmother, for the path she walked that brought me here. I will never know the struggles she faced, to become the woman she was. But, what I do know is, she loved her family. When I think of those cold nights, standing in line, waiting my turn, I know in my heart, that I was bathed in love.
I want to live to be 85, and beyond, so that I can leave a legacy of love for my own great grandchildren, and possibly great great grandchildren.
Now… To my changes…
The biggest change I made today, was shaving my hair off. I had been toying with this idea for MANY years. But, I would always find a way to talk myself out of it, or my daughter, my third born, who has taken phenomenal care of my hair for many years, would talk me off the ledge. There were a myriad of reasons why this had to happen. The mental and physical, being the fact that I had some hair loss, due to stress. Back in 2006, when I would become overly stressed, I would unconsciously pull my hair out, at the center. As the years rolled on, my hair would fall out in the same area. It’s a bit hard to explain, but my hair as of yesterday, was shoulder length in some areas, easily 7-9 inches, or more, but due to my coils, I didn’t have an actual measurement. However, in the center of my head, the length was somewhere closer to 3-4 inches. Not a good look. Not to mention the thinning areas I could feel in other regions… Just a hot mess. I toyed with the idea of locs, and was making plans to go that route. But, my hair care provider, aka, my daughter, is a married, working, mother of littles, and the reality of her finding time for herself, may be daunting, so trying to add my woes to her growing list of things to do, just didn’t seem fair. Besides, locs with 19,000 different lengths of hair probably wouldn’t have looked so cute anyway…
As you have probably gathered, I was not so good at “doing” my own hair. Which posed a problem of another sort. But, that’s beside the point. I had just gotten to a stage in life, where I needed to do something different. And how much more different can cutting off your hair be? I made the decision last night, while watching The Amazing Race. The teams were in South Africa, and I saw a woman sitting. She had a shaved head, and some type of beading wrapped around her head. In that moment, I KNEW. I turned to David, (my husband), and said, “That’s what I’m gonna do”. He asked, “What?” I replied, “I’m going to shave my head, and wear something like that”. He responded, “Okay”. And, that was that. Well, not exactly… I had to repeat to myself, about 3 more times, that I was actually going to do it. When I woke up today, I got out of bed and announced, “Today is the day”. And, I proceeded to do just what I vowed to do…
The process took just under 2 hours. But, that was due to the fact that I had a yoga session in between the first two rounds, and the last two. After the first choppage, (taking scissors and just kinda whacking it off in such a way that I wouldn’t have an inkling of a chance to weasel my way out of it), I walked downstairs to show David… “It’s happening”, I said. He turned to look, and very gently said, “You cut it… It’s cute”. Out of nowhere, the tears started to well up, and force their way over my lower lids like a warm rushing waterfall. I wasn’t sad, but I was definitely overcome with emotion. I think I was relieved that he didn’t seem to be disgusted, even though he had already given his blessing last night, with his “Okay”, but I’m guessing I still needed the encouragement. I don’t know, I was also proud of myself for being brave enough to leap into the unknown.
Before my yoga session, I had to jump in the shower to rinse off the aggressive hairs that poked me like tiny thorns. As the water penetrated my scalp, the feeling was overwhelmingly orgasmic. I could have stood under that shower head for an hour, if not 2, unfortunately, I only had about 5 minutes… Later, when I was able to afford myself a full shower, I had the same euphoric experience. I’m amazed at the nerve endings in my scalp, and I am expecting to enjoy scalp massages quite often, in my near future… Hmmm… Will I let my hair grow out, or keep it buzzed, so I can have fantastical showers every day? Anyhoo…
I had to start with the top of my head… I’m healing myself. Mind. Body. Soul. From the top of my head, to the soles of my feet. Inside, and out. I’m not sure what will happen along the way… But, I’m ready. More ready than I’ve ever been.
My body has been sending me signals. Waving red flags. I’ve been ignoring it/them. Being stubborn. Lazy. Afraid. I strayed away from listening to my inner knowing… I got complacent when it comes to taking care of my health. That’s a regrettable state to be in. I let what others may think of me, cause me to stretch myself thin, too many times to count. No more…
I must take care of me… I’m the only me I’ve got. If I don’t do it… Who will?
I dare not pledge to be, or do, anything in particular. Holding myself to some weird standard of behavior is played out. If I write, I write. If I share, I share. If I do, I do. Or not… And that’s ok, too.
Perhaps I will touch on some of the situations that “kept” me from picking up my keyboard, over the last 9 months… But, only if the feeling is right.
I do know that I am embarking on a journey that will yield some amazing discoveries. And, for the moment, I am back where I belong…
apeaceofmine 