Over the last two weeks, I have been studying what it means to live in abundance. For as long as I have been able to pronounce the word, I have equated it with money, and riches. Something I hoped to one day have, but, couldn’t quite find the confidence to believe in. Now that I have been made aware, of what it looks like, to create, and experience abundance, in all facets of my life, I can see so much clearer. Abundance has never been, just about money, and wealth.
As a child, I moved around, a lot, based on what a conversation with the average person, might reveal. I was enrolled in 6 different elementary schools, (two different states, during 2nd grade), 1 junior high, and 2 rival high schools. At least 15 different addresses, by the time I graduated. It became increasingly hard, to build and maintain friendships, considering the fact that, most of the friend slots had already been filled, by the time I stepped onto the scene. Eventually I would get a bit more acquainted, with the social awkwardness that painted the backdrop of my most formative years. I soon learned to be more mindful as I packed my belongings. Careful to wrap fragile items, so they arrived in one piece, not countless shards and fragments. And to ALWAYS check and check again, so as not to leave behind priceless treasures. I became content with leaving some things packed, to save myself a modicum of time, during the next move.
As I moved into parenthood, and adulthood, I would eventually move into the life of a military spouse. After almost 33 years, my husband and I, have lived at 21 different addresses together, not including the 8 additional addresses myself and our children, lived at, due to transitional relocations, before we found our way to our current address. Our first time buying a home. While only one of these moves is capable of conjuring a feeling of sadness, I always enjoyed exploring my new surroundings. I began to appreciate the art of collecting souvenirs. Moving so much taught me a lot about having the ability to adapt. Even if it was hard to find my place in the world. I learned to appreciate the idea of stability. Even though actual stability, escaped me. At the same time, I began to develop an unhealthy attachment to stuff and things, after losing so much over the years. So many broken memories, broken promises, and broken dreams. I found myself holding on too tight, to, too many material comforts.
It wasn’t until recently, that I have been able to put words to what has often robbed me of my right to an abundant life.
I have now slept in our new home for 31 days straight. In that time, I have gone from gripping paranoia, to unbridled bliss. For the first week or so, I walked around almost afraid to touch anything. Feeling as though I was walking through someone else’s home. Dreading any conversation about painting walls, or using nails to hang pictures. I was on the precipice of obsession, as it pertained to keeping this house clean and “perfect”, as opposed to living in, and enjoying our home. Balance is key.
However, the breakthrough finally came, last week. I was in my kitchen. The kitchen I manifested, and hoped for, and finally received. As I unpacked yet another kitchen gadget of some sort, I began my usual process of finding a new home for the box. Knowing that my cabinets are already filling to capacity, (primarily, due to boxes), a thought occurred to me. There truly was no reason to keep the box. Let me take a moment to explain…
Over the years, as I would purchase new items, I would keep the original packaging for one of two reasons. One being, I never knew when I might have to return an item for a refund, (which also cultivated an obsession with saving receipts). The other reason being, my constant expectation of relocating, and having the original box to save time and effort during the move. Keeping purchased items in boxes seems more organized. In my mind, at least. I have the shoe boxes for almost every pair I own, to prove it…
Back to this particular moment… It suddenly occurred to me, that I have been afraid of throwing away boxes, due to my fear of instability. Financial instability. I have not returned an item for a refund, due to need, in years. Yet, I still keep every receipt, unconsciously, even if it’s non-refundable. I found myself, about to keep this packaging material, out of habit, and an unconscious fear of having to move again. I couldn’t wrap my mind around decorating, and making this house a home, without the unconscious fear of breaking one of the major taboos of renting. Once I realized my awareness of what I was feeling deep inside, I made it my goal to break free of my irrational fear of lack. I slowly, gently, and intentionally broke down the box, and put it in the recycle pile. It is a much easier task these days.
I am certain that I have more to uncover, as I settle into what it means to know and believe. As I am shifting into a life of abundance. Abundance in health. Abundance in relationships. Abundance in wealth. Abundance in all that brings peace to my soul. I welcome the shift, and wrap myself in the freedom of knowing, that I am deserving of the abundant life I live.
apeaceofmine 
This is so beautiful and eloquently written. I literally had to look up the word precipice because that was definitely not a word that I was all that familiar with.
I too believe that abundance comes in many forms, after years of thinking such in the box thinking but realizing abundance is far more than monetary value alone.