Be Present

I have wanted to write this for quite some time… Even as I’m finally in a space to put words to this moment in time, I am in a battle against the tears that teeter along the edges of my lower lids, then effortlessly traverse the landscape of my cheeks.

It has been more than a year since my last post. This has been both circumstantial, and by design. I was so proud of myself last year. I was focused, and dedicated to writing at least once a week, starting in November. I had no way of knowing, how abruptly, life would take a turn. My last post was concerning grief. And, while I was mainly speaking from a relationship perspective, just 5 days later, events would unfold, that could potentially result in a more well-known type of grief. Unbeknownst to me, I had been watching a loved one, slipping away, for quite some time. What makes this even harder to write, is that, I am not referring to someone who has lived a long life, and is in their golden years. Not someone who has been battling cancer for years. Not someone who is struggling with addiction, and is losing the battle. I am referring to… my grandson. Who, at the time, was only 2 years old. There is part of me that wants to stop here… I realize now, that I never fully processed what happened last year. It was easier to just seal all of the emotions in an airtight container, and put them away. This. Is. Hard. It’s not something I have ever publicly discussed in detail. I’ve relayed the story to a few people, but, I’m fairly certain I keep the deepest emotions to myself. Well, until now. I guess I’m finally processing all of this. At least, starting to.

For a period of time, because it was so long ago, I don’t fully remember, but at least a couple of weeks, Odin seemed a bit out of sorts. He would cry often, and nothing seemed to assuage his “unhappiness”. We began to attribute it to separation anxiety, due to Mom working. At one point, we thought it was teething discomfort, as he just seemed to have the typical toddler teething symptoms. There were no overtly unusual warning signs. Just a feeling that something wasn’t right…

December 18th, we took him to the emergency room, and immediately he was triaged. He was noticeably jaundiced, and lethargic, but no fever. We would later find out, that his iron levels were fatally low. He was admitted to the hospital, as we were told he would need a blood transfusion. For the sake of time, and because this is so hard to write, I am making a long story, short. He eventually required 7 transfusions, to get him out of the danger zone. During the early stages of transfusing, he had a seizure. He would ultimately have 3. He also had a stroke. After brain scans, it was determined, that he had sustained multiple strokes and seizures prior to his hospital stay, over the span of his tiny life. (Below are three images from December 18-20, 2019 – in chronological order)

Odin was a preemie. Born six weeks early. He was always small, so his weight was deemed “normal” for him, and we had nothing to compare it to. However, there were no indications that he was unwell. About the only thing we noticed, prior to his hospitalization, was that he would sometimes “stare” at random times. Of course, as we later found out, these were seizures.

It is hard to put into words, the feeling of helplessness, as I watched his Mom, (my baby), try to navigate the sounds, forming into words, and then, eventually phrases, emanating from the multitude of nurses and specialists, as they methodically appeared and disappeared from her baby’s, PICU room. (Mom – December 19, 2019)

But, this story has a happy ending.

Today, Odin is a happy, healthy, humorous 3 year old. He is passing all of the neurological tests. His iron levels, are where they need to be. But, most of all, he’s here. Here to teach us what it looks like to overcome. What it looks like to live life to the fullest. What it looks like to conquer a seemingly insurmountable challenge. We still don’t know if there will be any long-term effects, but at the rate he’s growing, that seems unlikely. I had to step away from writing, because I literally lost my words. My mind went blank. No matter how many times I wanted to sit down at my keyboard, nothing would come. I knew I had to get this out, before I could move into a space where the words would greet me again. Today, December 21st marks the day Odin was released from the hospital, to the astonishment of the hospital staff. Initially we were told he could be in the hospital at least a week. But, Odin has always been a fighter. So, it wasn’t a huge surprise to us, that he recovered so quickly. Oh, to have that type of resilience. That is something I have truly been working towards, since this time last year. There are more lessons that have been learned since this all began, and now that I feel I can meet my keyboard freely again, I am eager to share. (Below- Odin December 18th 2020)

The point I would like to make, in sharing this story, as there are so many take-aways from this chapter of our lives, is to be present. In the seemingly insignificant moments. Especially with the current state of our world, it’s so important to not take any moments for granted. Love others. Love yourself. Be kind. Take care of your health. Especially your health. Know your levels. Iron. Vitamin D. Calcium. Whatever. Just pay attention. We almost lost this beautiful, tiny soul, because we couldn’t see what was happening on the inside of his body, and were not made aware, until it presented itself on the outside. Pay attention to your loved ones, especially the tiny ones, and the ones who may not be able to tell you when they are not feeling well. Pay attention to your own body. Practice self-care. Meditation. Healthy eating. Affirmations. Do what is necessary to give you and your loved ones, a chance at a long, happy, healthy, fulfilled life.

Today marks the first day of Winter. It’s also Winter Solstice, and there are so many magical and supernatural happenings to embrace. Depending on what you believe… I hope you took full advantage of this day. Step into this new season, with a fervor beyond your wildest dreams. Until next time…