Pieces of Me (Part 1)

I saw the email around 6:15. Before the daylight fully peeked around my rolling shade. Before I was fully awake. Before I could make sense of the day. I know now, that I have had this routine for several weeks. Wake up. Check my email. Today JUST may be the day. I didn’t know if I would receive the results in an email, or if I would receive a notification, that the results are on the way… The latter rang true. I now find myself frozen. Frozen in fear? Frozen in time. Frozen in the unknown.

In some ways, I guess I have been waiting for this moment, all my life. It is safe to say, that I’ve spent my days and nights trying to gather the many pieces of me, that have been savagely stripped from my soul, or mistakenly gifted to undeserving recipients. An aching of sorts. A lingering desire to belong. To find my people. To have enduring ties. Familial. Religious. Social. In my journeying, I have come to understand the generational bondage which inhibits familial growth. I languished under the pressure of religious shackles, which hampered speaking my truth. I trudged through numerous “friendships”, only to get to the other side, and realize, I was only a source of folly. Meaningful, intentional, friendships, though possible, are rare for me. I’ve questioned my motives. My actions. My ownership of the dismantling of said, friendships, and it’s finally settled in my spirit. Some people, truly are, in our lives for a season.

Regardless of all of this, I still possessed a need to know who I am. Where I come from. Where my ancestors roamed. I wanted to go beyond the standard, “black person in America = descendant of slave(s)”, narrative. There has to be more to it than that. Right? This all began March 2011. Just before my 37th birthday. I created my family tree online, and tried to figure out where I belong. It wasn’t until the following year, that I increased my efforts, as I had a specific goal in mind. For many years, I was under the impression that part of my lineage is of European descent. According to the family lore, this is the reason I have a fairer skin tone than my cousins. I had no reason to believe otherwise, especially since I was given a name to fit the narrative. So, I plugged in this individual’s name, and dug as deep as I could, and found all I needed to complete the puzzle. I even found a cousin of mine, and reached out to her, by phone. We spoke, and she seemed to give me what I thought I needed, to close the gap. And, there it sat. My family tree. As complete as could be, at the time.

Fast forward to July 2019. For the last few years, I had been toying around with the idea of getting my DNA analyzed. I was hesitant, due to the many stories of DNA shadiness. Companies doing nefarious things with our samples. You’ve probably heard about the headlines. However, the fear of the unknown, had me in its grip. One of my daughters found a special on a popular brand, and convinced me to go for it. We collected our samples, July 24th, and I dropped them in the mail, shortly after. We received our results, and were astonished to find only a small amount of European DNA. Imagine the shock reverberating through our minds and souls. You see, she had been fed the same lore. Tragic how your life can change in an instant. Instead of accepting the results at face value, I had to investigate further. I spoke to a close family member, who was just as shocked by the results, and just as impacted by the revelation, and convinced this person to also submit a DNA profile. We collected, and submitted our samples in late August, and waited feverishly for the results. We got our answer mid September. To my surprise, I had even less European DNA, than the other test revealed. What on earth? Full disclosure, these results came as both relief, and disappointment. I was relieved to find that I am in fact, of African descent. More so, than I had previously believed. Disappointed because, my life had been attached to a lie for so long. What to do with these mixed feelings…

Well, in true me form, I had already ordered yet another DNA kit, this time, from a Black Owned Company. African Ancestry.com. I ordered it prior to the second brand I received results from, yet, I received the kit the same day. As the results came in from the second brand, it only heightened my curiosity. Do those other brands REALLY give you true results? I’ve read many articles and testimonials from all 3 brands. However, I wanted to do my own experiment. After about 7 weeks, I’m FINALLY getting the results. The anticipation is off the charts! These results still don’t answer the lingering question about that European mystery, however, I will walk away knowing the specific tribe(s) I/we hail from. Or not. Because apparently, the results could prove, that there is an ancestor of full European descent, and throw me for another DNA loop. Perhaps this is why I’m SO anxious. Will I be African enough? What does that even mean? Sigh…

So, here we are. Waiting… I was in this alone, but if you’re reading this, maybe you are invested in the results as well. When I find out, I’ll let you know. Until then…