As this month comes to a screeching halt, I am reminded of, just how much things can change in a matter of days. Just around 30 days ago, I could only hope to be in a new place, starting new memories, making new plans and seeing new things. I wanted this to be so, deep down in my heart. Here I sit, 30 days later. Recounting this past month and all of its glory. What a scary place to be…
God has blessed my husband to be in a new job position, which required a BIG move. Not only are we in a place we’ve never been, but for the first time, I have left some of my babies. Oh how my heart aches and burns with excitement, all at the same time. I knew a day like this would come.. Matter of fact, I prayed for it. But, nothing prepares you for the heart ache of not being near your babies. No. Matter. The. Age.
With all of this going on, one would think that I would be sitting on top of the world. Instead, I have had more than one sleepless night. Why? You may ask.. Embarrassingly I admit, I have had a faith that wavered, and kept me up some nights. But, I still kept the faith. Fear caused me to question and doubt because I could only trust God to handle the fine details of this situation. At one point, I didn’t want to share any details about the move. I felt like we were in the movie Boys in the Hood, or Menace to Society. Could we? Would we, make it out alive?
It took what seemed like forever, to get to a point where we could leave Hemet. But, God… Over the last few years, it has been a dream of mine to leave. To leave the only place we have every lived the longest, in all the years we have been together. It feels good to breathe a sigh of relief. But, every now and then, I get an awful feeling that something is not quite as it seems..
I wish I could say that I will never be gripped by fear again. But, my guess is that, I can either feast on a constant diet of it, or, get on with life, and call it a day. This overwhelming fear comes from a place of uncertainty. Instability as a child.. Needing to control all that I feel is mine to call life. A deep seated longing to plan details and check them off a list. But this my friends, is usually not His plan. His plan is greater, but often times scarier than what we can cook up in our tiny brains.
While I long to trust, fully, completely, deeply, without fear.. I must face the fact that I, am human. I feel emotion and it stirs up the same fear. I have come to the conclusion, that being mindful of the fear and keeping a faithful perspective is what suits me.
Because, here I sit. Settling into a new place. Starting new memories. Making new plans and seeing new things. What can I say. Faith in Him, trumps every fear.
You have one shot at this. Make it count. Don’t waste time battling fears that usually don’t amount to much. Embrace them. A healthy dose of the right type of fear, never hurt anyone. But, stand firm in your faith. Let the fear propel you to a faith that conquers all.
apeaceofmine 